05/08/2008
02/13/2008
01/19/2008
12/25/2007
JOke
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
SCROLLThe old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the damn jar open.
11/28/2007
'Tis the Season ... Ho Ho Ho from Jo
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."11/22/2007
Happy Thanksgiving!
11/18/2007
11/14/2007
A Bargain at Any Price
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.
The Devil told the lawyer:
"I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try,for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked ...
"So, what's the catch?"11/07/2007
Your Tax Dollars at Work
As many of you may know, New Orleans residents are challenged often with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, making it quite difficult to establish ownership.
Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client that I thought was absolutely priceless! This is one lawyer you gotta love!
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted, if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.
After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter)
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application.
I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.
For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France , which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain . The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition.
Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana . God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA.
11/03/2007
Jo's famous blow-it-out-your-ass turkey recipe
6-7 lb. turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked popcorn
salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt and pepper.
Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.
Listen for popping sounds.
When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open and the turkey flies across the room, it is done.
If you haven't been around here for any length of time, you wouldn't know that I love to cook. I do. This recipe comes from Jo. First thing I did when I visited her was 'scout' the kitchen, thinking that I'd be doing some cooking. Glanced around, opened a few cupboards, pulled a few drawers, checked the refridgerator and then ... opened up the oven. Now, I'm not easily flummoxed. You could hit me upside the head with a 2 X 4 and I'd simply stare back and ask 'How come.' But when I pulled that oven door open, I found CAT FOOD! The godamned oven was a storage area for CAT FOOD. Now, don't get me wrong. I like cats. All God's critters and all that. But JAYSUS! This is all to say that Jo doesn't cook much. So you might want to take the above recipe with ...
10/09/2007
09/21/2007
09/13/2007
Doing your part to fight global warming - Hollywood Style
09/12/2007
08/15/2007
Politically Incorrect Jokes
07/26/2007
05/25/2007
05/01/2007
04/20/2007
Bubba Sez ...
Meet Bubba, the answer ot the comic Maxine, AKA, the Queen of Crabby. Bubba tells it from the male perspective.
04/01/2007
03/28/2007
Joke
In the aftermath of hurricane Katrina - some humor
This happened on a flight bound for New Orleans.
Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him.
The guy was an emotional wreck, sweating, pale, hands shaking and moaning in fear.
'What's the matter?' Jack asked.
"I've been transferred to New Orleans , there's crazy people there.
Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It's not as bad as the media says.
It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death.
But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
02/16/2007
MANifesto
I know that many of you have heard Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, and others speak of the "Homosexual Agenda," but no one has ever seen a copy of it. I have finally obtained a copy directly from the Head Homosexual. It follows below:
_______________________________
What I want to know is, what in THE hell is a 'tea dance'? Do half of the guys get to be crumpets, strumpets or trumpets?
.
6:00 AM Gym and Tanning Bed
8:00 AM Breakfast (oatmeal and egg whites)
9:00 AM Hair Appointment
10:00 AM Shopping
12:00 PM Brunch (Salmon Benedict, roasted potatoes, mimosa)
2:00 PM
(1) Assume complete control of the US Federal, State, and Local Governments, as well as all other national governments;
(2) Recruit all straight youngsters to our debauched lifestyle;
(3) Destroy all healthy heterosexual marriages;
(4) Replace all school counselors in grades K-12 with agents of Colombian and Jamaican drug cartels;
(5) Establish planetary chain of "homo-breeding gulags", where overmedicated imprisoned straight women are turned into artificially-impregnated baby factories to produce prepubescent love slaves for our devotedly pederastic gay leadership;
(6) Bulldoze all houses of worship; and,
(7) Secure total control of the Internet and all mass media for the exclusive use of child pornographers.
2:30 PM Get beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles caused by the stress of world conquest.
3:30 PM Protein Shake
4:00 PM Tea Dance
6:00 PM Light Dinner (soup, salad, and skinless chicken breast, with a crisp Chardonnay)
8:00 PM Theatre
11:00 PM Bed du Jour
02/08/2007
Wisecracks
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~"Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
01/23/2007
01/15/2007
Teach Your Children
Rock-A-Bye Baby
Would you like your new baby to grow up with an appreciation for fine music?
Scientists and doctors agree that exposing your newborn to music at an early age fosters better mathematical skills and promotes a general sense of well being.
You want little Tiffany or Brad to learn to love music as much as you do - but you dread the thought of playing some long haired classical crap?
Well, your dreams have come true and your prayers have been answered.
Baby Rock Records has a large selection of today's hip tunes converted to little tinkly lullabies.
Imagine Pink Floyd putting little snookums to sleep. Or Nine Inch Nails helping the wee one nod off.
If you prefer, Baby Rock Records will take your own selections and convert them into lilting lullabies for the little loved one.
I'm hear to say, that if you go to that website and listen to that music, you will never be the same.
01/09/2007
Joke
A Novel Approach to Saving Money
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding ...
12/22/2006
Inkoming
Every year about this time, there are many end-of-the-year contests and reviews. This purportedly comes from New York Magazine. It definitely comes from Jo. The rules are simple, change one letter in a well-known foreign expression to yield a completely new meaning. For instance ...
E PLURIBUS ANUM - Out of any group, there's always one asshole.
I have never been able to understand why that one person is always me.
12/09/2006
Here's a Peach
The Southern Belle
A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge (in Georgia) one day.
As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man afixin' (ready) to jump.
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."
He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."
She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."
He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids.
.
She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee." He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''
12/01/2006
The Shoe Bomber
The Conviction of Richard Reid
.
.
This is Richard Reid, the infamous 'Shoe Bomber'. He tried unsuccessfully to set an explosive off while on a flight from London to the US. He was using a BIC lighter and it wouldn't work. The person in the next seat called the stewardess and he was arrested upon arrival.
He was convicted on 1/30/03 and sentenced to life.
That this dufus was convicted comes as no surprise. But what the presiding Judge had to say, while handing down Richard Reid's sentence is almost monumental in its import. I doubt you've heard of it.
Read the full transcript below.
10/27/2006
Can you find the differences?
There are 3 distinctly different things about the these two photos.
You will need to click off to see them.
10/19/2006
The Queen of Toys
My friend, Jo, has more toys than Santa Claus. And they all wind up and do things. The toys have taken over her house and what's left is ruled by fat cats. Jo sends me stuff once in awhile.
Here's a sample.
09/12/2006
JOkes
Goffaq Yussef - Muslim Stand-up Comedian
Good evening, gentlemen, and get out, ladies.
>>>
On my flight to New York there must have been an Israeli in the
bathroom the entire time. There was a sign on the door that said
"occupied."
>>>
What do you say to a Muslim woman with two black eyes?
Nothing! You told her twice already!
>>>
How many Palestinians does it take to change a light bulb? None!
They sit in the dark forever and blame the Jews for it!
>>>
Did you hear about the Broadway play, "The Palestinians"?
It bombed! 
There's more!
08/17/2006
Finally ...
A Real Man's Chain Letter
This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one doesn't cost anything!
Just send a copy of this letter to five of your male friends who are equally tired and discontent. Then bundle up your wife and/or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.
When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.
At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, four of whom were worth keeping.
This chain also brings good luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy playmate.
An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooter's waitress and a Hollywood super model.
You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain and got his wife back again.
Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below.
08/04/2006
Men & Certainty
The Top 10 Things Men Know "FOR SURE" About Women
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08/03/2006
Tigers and Pigs LIVING TOGETHER!
Tiggies!
07/29/2006
JOke
Now That's Efficient!
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.
Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.
Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So I told him just exactly what his fast - talking sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
"Helllooooo"? (I told him). "It's been a year"
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up....
He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me.
.
Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore.
07/03/2006
The Nitty Gritty on 'The Woody.'
Pinocchio and Splinters
One day Pinocchio came to Jiminy Cricket with a problem.
"Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters.
What can I do about this?"
"Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it.
"Pinnochio," asked Jiminy a few weeks later, "How did the problem work out with your "Girlfriend?"
06/23/2006
Do you have ...
H/T Jo
... everything you need for the weekend?
06/01/2006
From Jo in New Mexico
A Texas Joke
Typical South Texas traffic stop
A Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing h