Dear Sir ...

   Dear Mr. Thatcher,

   I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

   Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't.

   Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

   As Brand Manager in the Feminine Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

   In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

   The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants ... Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

   Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period." Are you f **&^^# kidding me?

   What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

   For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or"Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong", or are you just picking on us?

   Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit.

And that's a promise I will keep ... Always.

Comments

[Moze]

LMAO, Mouse. Did you write this? Note to self... Don't piss Mouse off.

Cheers,

[OINK]

OINK ponders the number of menstruation jokes that would qualify a man for the Darwin Awards... He decides to stick with a funny, true story, that my daughter 26 y/o Elizabeth still doesn't know that her mother told me.
----------------------------------------------

Ruth is at work when she gets a phone call from then 13 y/o old Elizabeth -- no 'hello', no greeting, no nothing but,

"I got it!"

"Huh?" (Ruth racks her brain: head lice, mono, athletes' foot...)

"No! IT!!!"
------------------------

Fortunately supplies had been purchased in anticipation of this event. The previous year, a doctor's form for summer camp contained the questions, "Has the patient begun her periods? DOES SHE KNOW ABOUT MENSTRUATION?" Liz curled her lip in contempt and answered, "Of course!!" The nurse responded, "Well, some don't.."

[Mouse]

Moze, I am blissfully beyond all that having actually sailed on through it myself and being ever so happy to be on the other side. No, it was not a sex change! Although I have a little more hair on my face than I used too:)

Oink, I hope Elizabeth doesn't read this blog. I can only remember screaming from the bathroom for my mom, and her laughing when she got there! My folks never told me anything about the facts of life. I had to find out everything for myself, but my mom was ALWAYS ready when I needed to ask questions.

[OINK]

I hope she does not read this either. But Ruth and I tell each other everything. If the kids think otherwise -- sorry.

[Phoenix]

Chip and I tell each other everything, too. The kids know it, now, of course. But when Chip left, Pierce was 9. No problem. We had open custody and visitation and it was never a big deal at all. One day Chip called all serious. He wanted to know the best stuff to buy in case she started her period at his house. She started but never told anyone. I happened to find out and asked her why she didn't mention it. She didn't know. But later she laughed about knowing everything from a book I'd gotten Parker - she'd sneak the book when the boys weren't poring over it and read it herself.

My mother never told me anything. She gave me a book when I was eleven. Friends do the rest.